Partially handicapped makes me realize how much of an inconvenience it can be.
Yeah it’s okie that I can’t get u now. But I will get u on this weekend. Cya soon alcohol.
I feel like I am trying to struggle between my own social circle and him. honestly.
he doesnt like most of my friends and he asked ” does that matter?”
it does.
I have no idea how to shift all my followers and following posts frm this to another new blog of mine…. so I guess I am gonna stick to this cos I am still getting used to this dashboard.
Was watching those past videos about IT people. I actually wanted to find my own video of my own performance put up by my friends previously ( that I hated it ) but I just wanna watch it as i suddenly wanna see how I was like in the past. Esp after talking to Tz last night about my past and he just said he felt I have like spent alot of energy previously and now I am like resting lots.
But somehow, i seem to have done plenty of stuff last time. Which I dont deny it.
I couldnt find my own video but I saw a few IT ones. It was crazy, it was fun but it was painful somehow. They were making fun of me. It was fun, funny but painful too. Heart heavy cos I knew I didn’t wanna be on the camera at that time and I was struggling.
It’s a completely different thing now. I am very peaceful. Very safe. Very protected.
I m trying to get out there again as I feel maybe I do friends. And I am putting effort. just saying. Of course, readjustments need effort i guess.
Changing to a new blog:
http://imakeagreatmuddymudpie.tumblr.com/
ciao to my good. Hello to my great pie :)
Hello.
I was dead drunk last night. at home.
I drank 3 cans of beer straight and fast. Mood was terribly bad and it was based on so many factors. As expected, I got emo after the drinks and I chatted with Tz through the com in my sei state.
Amazingly, as always, it is always always always, so peaceful to talk to him. It felt I was bleeding on one side, but yet, I was being nursed at the same time.
I have never seen anyone so innocent, so clean, so understanding before. I totally feel the connection was really tight and is still tight and I am just super glad that I can treat him as not just someone I love dearly, but also as a great best friend. ( Which is the reason as to why I do not need to talk to many of friends lately. Bad ass but yeah. )
I cried. I reflected. I thought back all those sucky memories and tears just kept falling. No one has said I was strong, until him. Which is why I think he is just so innocent and all because I thought what I have gone through etc are very minor.
I was ashamed of myself this morning because I did rattle alot of shit to him. lol. oh well but then when we met, everything just fall into place nicely again. We hugged like there’s no tomorrow. We kissed just how we always kiss behind close doors. We played, we joked, we teased. I couldn’t bear for the night to end. As usual.
I admit I am damn kidish when I am in front of him. But I only wanna act like a kid when I am really happy and when I can truly relax with that person. He taught me that to relax is not just to pour all troubles out and then rely on the other person. He taught me to be self-suffice and to be strong.
We left NTU and headed to Vivo for dinner. Couldn’t decided what to eat as everything looks expensive and in the end we settled for foodcourt. haha.. I love it despite my food sucks. But I love it. We talked after eating and laughed and all. It was damn peaceful and fun.
Didn’t wanna head back after that and went to the upper deck of Vivo and sat there. Hugged while talking and then sat and talked again. Laughed at strangers and just talked and talked..
I wanna go home with him. I wanna him to come home with me. Because I want to protect him. And I want him to protect me. And I am super happy that he made me make that promise of never letting this go no matter how hard it is.
Because I am excited about our future. I really am.
I am totally willing to give up my friends because of this life.
I am in already.
It’s just a simple day but yet I love it. Because I got to spend time with him.
I can’t help but keep thinking I m really a darn fortunate girl. He may not know how grateful I am in those small gestures such as us playing with our fingers, holding hands wherever we walked, me making him laugh and all.
I want him to be happy. Yeah I want the whole world to be happy. but I want him to be exceptionally happy, with me.
I know. Somehow or another, they all have helped me in finding / getting Tz. But why is it that somehow, I selfishly just dont see the need to return the favours of keeping contact with them and going out for dinners that seems to be doing nth but catching up and wasting money ( not much fun and more sianness ) and also talk about stuff which I do think they can cope with themselves. If not, I already have wanna help them previously and that’s it.
And honestly, I am feeling the pressure of all these. I know they all mean good, but I am turning them all stuff which I dont like because I really don’t like. i will definitely wonder if they didnt approach me and all but then somehow, at this stage of life, I would like to hibernate and grow and do the things that I wanna do ( stubbornly ) without them.
If they need my help, definitely I will try. If not…
fuck.
Seriously, I am in no mood for sarcasm nor friends.
seriously. I have no idea why but friends bugging me to meet up are seriously pissing me off much.
Even i m surprised by myself.
